I've never liked roller coasters.

These past couple of weeks have been such a roller coaster ride for both Philip and me. Neither of us have ever lost someone close to us, and I don't know how to deal with it most days. I can't stop thinking about Logan, and I even had a dream last night about him hugging me when he knew I needed it. Other times I just can't focus on anything, and I think it probably has something to do with wondering where my focus and priorities should be. I looked at some pictures today from a shower that Philip and I were invited to that we didn't attend because I was leading a D-Now (Logan was there and in several pictures). For the past two weeks I haven't quit regretting doing that D-Now, and seeing those pictures make me regret it even more. I told Philip Sunday after the D-Now that I didn't enjoy it at all, and that it would probably be my last one other than ours, of course. I wish we had gone to that shower 2 days before Logan died and spent time with him! Did God really want me to do that D-Now? Did I even pray about it? Did anything good come out of me being there? I HATE THIS! All this gets me thinking, I want to be around the people who are most important to me. What does this mean for ministry? Is Philip feeling the same thing? Where do the students of FHSM fall into this because I want to be able to drop things and go to everything that I know our closest family and friends will be at. I don't want to regret something like that again, I don't want to feel like this again. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of times and days that have been excellent where I couldn't have been sad if I wanted to be. I have joy through it all even though I've been more sad lately. I'm just confused and on a roller coaster of emotions.
God, show me how to deal with this and get past the regret. I want to be effective in the ministry you have us in right now, and I'm not right now. Be my strength and my comfort and may my will be Yours. Help!

On a lighter note. Easter was great and we were able to see all my family, the Mataks, and some of Philip's family. I really need to get better about taking pictures because Philip and I both wore purple, and I love when we match (he hates it). More importantly, we celebrated that Jesus is Risen, and that is why and how we can have a personal relationship with him!

Also, we are having a baby GIRL!